Recently a client of mine has unexpectedly found herself in a loving relationship that seems to hold wonderful possibilities. As she shared her story of their synchronistic meeting, I was particularly struck by a couple of the things she shared.
The first was “he doesn’t match my pictures.” She went on to give me an accounting of the ways he does not match her “list.” You know the one I’m talking about. The list every law of attraction or manifestation guru tells you to make of your ideal match. We all have one or have made one at some point, right?
I perked up at this one because I’ve heard it quite a few times before and have actually experienced it myself as well. So I began to wonder, what is it about these lists that serves us or doesn’t serve us? That “works” or doesn’t?
First, as we often talk about in Divine Navigation, your mind is 5% conscious and 95% UNconscious (this is a scientific statistic – not mine). Therefore, when you are making that list where are you primarily making it from? The 5%! That means that you are missing out on 95% of what’s possible that you CANNOT see. Do you really want to live from that 5%? I sure don’t!
Left to it’s own devices our brain tends to conjure what it already knows. Be it from experience or conditioning or exposure. That’s why it is often so hard to make a change. We start out in life by recreating what we saw modeled then we recreate what we have experienced which remember is based on what we modeled.
Frankly, we humans tend to re-create more than we create.
True “creation” comes from the place of “I don’t actually know exactly what he/she/this is going to look like but here is who I am committed to being. Here is how I am committed to showing up. Here is who I am committed to being in the world”. And watch what happens… that’s creation! A list goes against true creation because it is saying that you DO now what it will look like and in 99.9% of cases your list is actively limiting what you COULD have.
As I pondered on this some more, there were several more things that I became aware of….
Such as the types of things that tend to end up on those lists (specifically the ones intended to attract a partner) and the source of them. If you’ve already got a current list, stop reading and go grab your list now. If you don’t have a current list, stop reading and make a list now. Even if you currently have a partner, make the list of what you wish they were.
Do you have your list yet? Check this out with me. Here’s what I noticed…..
Far too often these lists end up comprised of external characteristics, accomplishments and activities we want to do with this someone. Together they create an idealized version of a person who you hope will be the answer to your loneliness, inadequacy, brokenness or unworthiness.
Yep, I’m pulling out the bigs guns today! I know you can handle it 😉
These lists are generally compiled out of some combination of the following:
- Opposites of past partners. “I didn’t like that, that didn’t work, that hurt! Let me try this instead.”
- Conditioned image of what you think you should want. “This is what I learned a relationship is supposed to look like.”
- What will make you look good in the eyes of others. “People will envy/ respect/validate me if I am with this kind of partner.”
- Things you are keeping yourself from doing now. “When I have my perfect partner I’ll get to/be able to….”
- Romanticized Hollywood caricatures made up of an amalgam of external expectations created from outside influences – society, media, etc. “This prince charming (or sexy goddess) will make all my pain go away.”
The problem is that they are all what I refer to as “externally referenced” rather than “internally sourced.” And the great secret to a happy life is that only things that are “internally sourced” will ever bring you joy, satisfaction and fulfillment.
Now take a second look at your “list” with these things in mind:
- Count up how many are appearance oriented. Is it the package that makes you love someone? If so, I hate to break it to you but that’s not love. Would you want to be loved simply for your appearance?
- Calculate what percentage of the items are “externals.” Anything external can be taken away. Only what is on the inside is everlasting. Do you want to be loved for what’s on the outside or what’s on the inside?
- Notice any criteria of accomplishment. It is who you are being not what you have or do that make you valuable. Do you want to be judged as valuable based solely on your achievements?
- Apply each of the items to yourself. Do YOU have these things to offer another? Are you being this person?
What I noticed was that these kinds of lists are almost always made up of things that are based on our own own perceived (conscious or unconscious) inadequacies. Something we feel we are lacking that we hope can be fulfilled by another person or some achievement.
When it comes to lists intended to attract your ideal partner, every single thing you put on your list is a quality you desire to cultivate in yourself, an experience you wish to have of yourself, an accomplishment you hope to achieve for yourself.
They are often criteria you are unconsciously measuring yourself against. At the same time you are judging yourself for not measuring up. And by extension you unconsciously deem yourself unworthy of what you desire be it love or success. Even if you manage to find someone who matches the list, you end up in a relationship with a set of criteria not with a person.
Is it a wonder these lists don’t work?
Anything – and I do mean anything – that you seek externally in someone else or something else will allude you until you embody it yourself. Be honest, do YOU have those things to offer? And if you DO, then why are you not giving them to yourself already?
The other thing she shared that I know to be a deep truth was that it was only after she began focusing on herself and the experience she was having of herself that it was possible for her to see the man that is more than she could have imagined. When she stopped looking “out there” trying to find him he showed up in the chair right beside her.
The greatest love of your life will not appear “out there” until it occurs “in here.” In order find the One, you must BE the One.
When you surrender to all of who you are, exactly as you are, the person who can love and accept all of that can appear. It is through cultivating a deep connection with your true self that your right partner, your right work, you right riches have a chance to manifest. Until that time, your relationships end up being based on false projections and founded on misconceptions – of ourselves and others. And your achievements either feel like a struggle or they feel hollow.
The ultimate purpose of life is to know exactly who you are designed to be, to create experiences in alignment with that for yourself and to share the gift of your presence with the world through those experiences…..
When you do that you can’t help but attract EVERYTHING that is meant for you!
Oh yeah….. and it probably won’t match your pictures 😉
P.S. The absolute best way I know of to not only learn who you are at the deepest level but to accept yourself as that fully and completely is by knowing and using your Divine Coordinates® The Divine Coordinates process is the cornerstone of everything we do here at Divine Navigation®.
After six years of serving amazing individuals and businesses all over the world, I can see more and more clearly what it takes for you to create the most success and fulfillment in your life. And I am putting it ALL into the brand new Divine Coordinates Activation Program. In just a few short weeks, we will be opening up our newly redesigned Divine Coordinates Activation Program so I won’t go into a lot of detail just yet, but suffice it to say, if you don’t know your Divine Coordinates yet, there has never been a better time to join us!
If you feel now might be the time for you to dive deeper into yourself, clarify your truth, live your life on purpose and create lasting fulfillment, simply send me an email and I will make sure you are among the first to get all the details!